unwavering consistency

 As I lie down to rest my head I realize the person I've been fighting is the person that I am. There is no way around it; no scenic detour, no crafty lies, and most importantly no running. Soon the temperature will drop and I will once again be able to cover the burns without question. I thought I was done with this and the truth is I've hardly even begun. If I could say to you all the things my heart screams out in the middle of the night perhaps you'd see what a mess I really am and count your losses and walk away. Maybe not, maybe you'd stay with me and hold me till the sadness fades away. I sure hope so because for the first time I'll admit it, I can't do this on my own. I need you.

Lesson Learned

My leg shakes as the sweat drips down my back. I feel cold and uneasy, like a child waiting to be scorned. I glance over at the space between us. It's only a few feet I shouldn't even take notice, It's all I see. Her hand finds my thigh and continues to my back. I start to feel a familiar warmth creep over me as my leg begins to calm. I want her, all of her. The room gets quiet as my eyes meet hers, I just want to breath her in and soak in her warmth. It's only the start of a new beginning nothing to write home about but enough to stop me in my tracks. My mind starts to reel as I begin comparing and contrasting her love to those before. Thankfully she grabbed my face and kissed me hurling me back to reality before I got lost in my own insecurities. Since that night I have not once let thoughts of past mistakes creep into my head and create doubt about her.

 For the first time in a long time I am perfectly content. happy.

close your eyes and walk until you feel the water under your toes.

We sit in coffee shops talking about the future as if the past isn't eating away at us. The truth is we'd give anything to be children again. To be ignorant of the pain and disapointment that fills the air. So some of us fill our lives with pretty boys and shoes to soften the blow. We obsses over our empty selfish dreams and let the promises we've broken fade away just to creep back in the middle of the night. Tell me what you've seen, does it keeps you up at night? Because at the end of the night when you lay down you will tell yourself this is enough, your life is good and you're happy. I won't play those games anymore. All you do is concern yourself with the same things that are drowning your beautiful soul. I promise if you would just relax and listen to your heart not the people around you, you'd get so far.

It's Not A lot But It's Honest.

Every time I think of us I only regret that we let it go so far. My issues are not with you, they are only with how everything played out. I went through every detail in my head and the only solution I have is, we should have stopped it after we kissed.   So with acknowledging that, every time I get that close to someone I shut off completely.

Honestly?

I'm onto something here, something so great I'm willing to risk it all, even you.

rough draft

Hey, I just wanted you to know I miss you terribly.  
Hope to see you soon, I don't think I can take much more of this.
Look, i love you, I can't help it.
Fuck  I don't want to help it, I want you.
I want all of you. 
I want your dirty hippie hair draped across my chest.
I want to sit on the coast with you drinking wine watching the sun come up.
It's all i think about whenever I see you staring off into space.
We get each other isn't that enough? 
Maybe one day we could have a life together.
I never wanted you less and I've never thought about you more.

My eyes caught a glimpse of the Queen today

With all hope lost one would revel in the latest victory, or so we'd like to think.
The case is different however when man fights against fellow man,
    everything starts to burn.
    everything that held you together
                                      crumbles at your feet.
 You owe your life to all this and now it's threatening to end you.
Gather your men take the biggest and the brightest.
Carefully explain, whether we die here today or not,
    our Country as we know it will never be the same.
We headed out, 20, 30 men at our backs. willing to die,
    for something that no longer exists.
The enemy is fierce and cold yet quivers on the battle field.
You know her well, she is the only one you would bow to.
Perhaps if she looked this way you could manage a way,
                                    a way so she could know you never hated her less.
Knowing your struggle and your pain, the pain she said she'd help end.
Knowing you gave her everything you had,
               she never looked once.
Calm and collected you give the signal,
    the signal that will end everything you love.
    the signal that will curse the name of your Queen
                                                                and disrupt her hold on this world.


Tell me now, would you find hope and something beautiful in the end?

But before you answer imagine a life without the one thing you lived for.

"Once upon a time the last available move in the game was giving a person a tattoo on their face with a knife."

 

There was never any jealousy when I knew she was mine. People would go in and out of her life so swiftly I barely acknowledged their presence. Now with the sinking weight of her love disappearing I wonder if I want it back. It's a limbo type of love, never going anywhere just waiting with the slight hope that maybe just once we could, no forget it these hopes never got us anywhere. It was never a void trying to be filled it was never a shallow rebound it was just the childish urge to call something mine. Now the only move left is to push it all away and pull the troops back to polish our boots and poison our livers.

If we could make it out of here alive

I just want to know two things. Who is really in control and what really matters. Firmly planted I regret to say it, these shoes are growing roots and this land is so deserted. Can't lift my leg to get started. Stuck here forever, just tell me who do I listen to. This Seratonin level must be low Doctor, the jungle that resides within me is burning down. Give me something to focus this wild gaze upon. Something to bring the sun out. Something that brings me home. Something that really matters.

 I hate to look ahead I know how this story ends. If you adjusted your view you'd stop in your tracks too.

It's never been better, but then again it's never been worse.

I can count the number of things that have made me sad on one hand. Actual one of them didn't make me sad I just took notice to what had happened and I didn't like it too much. The other...the other was something that made me feel so many emotions I almost curled up into a ball and died. After that one passed the emotion drained out of me, it was hell I thought i'd never be normal again. Strange, I was normal for a few years now i'm back to my normal. It's odd to think people go around feeling that way constantly. Sure the emotions I felt for some time were the worst of the worst but still people must experience them a fair amount. Many would say that not feeling complex human emotions would make someone strong, it doesn't. I'm weak, on the fair occasion I feel any simple emotions I don't know how to handle them. I never had the chance to learn. That's all I want is someone to teach me, show me how to act and feel. She tried and that was like the blind leading the blind. To those of you who read this and didn't know most of this already, I apoligize for letting you know this. It is selfish of me to tell people i'm this way because i'm not the one who will hurt afterwards. And that is the only thing that makes me sad. In fact it tears me up inside, knowing I can never love you like you love me. That's not to say I don't, I do. I just don't feel in the same ways as you.

i love you as much as i can.

if i let you go, do you think you could fly?

I never meant for it to happen this way. I meant for it to be quick and painful. Now when I lay my head down inbetween the good and the bad I wish you were there. I need you to hold my head in your lap and wait for the storm to pass. Tell me which way to go, I need direction. This uneven life of ours is starting to take it's toll. Sometimes I feel the only way out is to dive back in. I frequently stop myself and look around waiting for you to take my hand and pull me back down to earth. That would be too easy, please don't give me up just yet. Up here in the clouds I can see all you do, pacing and thinking, waiting for the day it all falls into place. This world isn't ready for us baby, it would split right in two. Maybe one starry night when all of the world is asleep we can set this place on fire and let it burn down around us. Until then I wonder if my love will be pure enough to keep our heads high in the clouds, and sane enough to keep our feet on the ground.

i miss her in places she's never been

This place is cold, baren, and vast. I walk outside into the cold for a smoke and all I see is crimson pouring over everything lighting up the night sky ,warming the soil and melting the ice. I must be sick, wires crossed, anything, i'm not supposed to yearn for something so destructive, something so orgasmic, something so bad. I try and run it out, I pull myself forward thinking of the future. My breathing gets deeper and my pulse speeds up, it's the same feeling I get afterwards except I feel sick to my stomach. I lay down in the snow and as soon as I catch my breath there's that thing pulling at me from inside again. I run home and up the stairs and stop at my doorway. It's in there, waiting for me, sharpened and polished. I run through the door almost tripping over myself. There she lays, waiting for me, yearning for me as I do for her. baby it felt like the first time..

i'll try and live again, just for you.

It wasn't real, at least not at the moments that counted. Now I lie here like a sunken ship at the bottom of the sea. Every thought of you makes my blood boil my skin sweat and my stomach turn to knots. I'd rather feel this way till the end of time then have to relearn everything. I don't trust anyone ever, i'm always anxious and paranoid. I almost forgot how to live. You can say I just won't let myself be happy, well I don't know how. I spent years listening to someone whisper how much they love me one day and scream how they can't stand me the next. I tried to run and everything just crept back up into me in the still of the night, I woke up shaking, sweaty, and crying. Everytime I think it's getting better the cycle starts up again. There seems to be no end in sight. She made me feel like I didn't deserve to breathe this air or walk on this earth. So there is one thing I can promise myself, this is the last thing I will ever write about her.

once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?

I woke up shivering and covered in sweat. I can't stop reliving that moment, I hate this place I hate it more than anything. This isn't me. I woke up every 45 minutes feeling sicker each time. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't cry. I've been here for 14 hours and  I feel like someone ripped me away from everything i've ever known and loved. This is good for me right? So anxious that I get sick every hour? I want Daytona back. I'll never go back. I'll never forgive you. This is no way to live. Someone tell me it's okay. Someone tell me I'll make it another year. Someone tell me I was always good enough. It won't make a difference, I'm going to be alone forever. It's slightly comforting, knowing I will never have the chance to let anyone else down.  



Well, winter’s gonna end,
I’m gonna clean these veins again.
So close to dying that I finally can start living.

slipping out into the sky

Your body sinks into mine I feel a rush of relief and paranoia. Lying still, praying to a God that has turned his back on me. Just one more night, I tell myself just hold it together for one more night. It takes every inch of my empty soul to not let loose to not give in to not kiss you like I need to. It wasn't a mistake, if anything it was a miscalculation. A simple miscalculation that could have been overlooked by any one of us. And no matter how high I get or how far I go I will never escape this feeling of pure loss. I lost something I never had, I lost something people search their whole lives for. All I can do is hope that next time I see the beauty that could be and not just the heartbreak that follows.

I pray one day this wound will close and you'll be right there to open it up again.

 If I could I would stand in this spot with you forever, looking out at the people running around trying to act happy. If i could I'd stare into your eyes for the rest of time. If i could i'd leap of this building right now if it meant you'd forget all about me. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just didn't know how to love you. If I could go back in time i'd have transfered schools and never looked your way. No I take that back, I may have hurt you and I may hate myself now but I wouldn't trade how it felt next to you for the whole world. At the end of the day, it was always you and it always will be.

"I don't know what it is abby dodson, but whatever we have, or had, is stellar.
 It's something out of the movies, it's something worth crying over,
 and it's never going to happen again atleast not like this."