It's Not A lot But It's Honest.

Every time I think of us I only regret that we let it go so far. My issues are not with you, they are only with how everything played out. I went through every detail in my head and the only solution I have is, we should have stopped it after we kissed.   So with acknowledging that, every time I get that close to someone I shut off completely.

Honestly?

I'm onto something here, something so great I'm willing to risk it all, even you.

rough draft

Hey, I just wanted you to know I miss you terribly.  
Hope to see you soon, I don't think I can take much more of this.
Look, i love you, I can't help it.
Fuck  I don't want to help it, I want you.
I want all of you. 
I want your dirty hippie hair draped across my chest.
I want to sit on the coast with you drinking wine watching the sun come up.
It's all i think about whenever I see you staring off into space.
We get each other isn't that enough? 
Maybe one day we could have a life together.
I never wanted you less and I've never thought about you more.

My eyes caught a glimpse of the Queen today

With all hope lost one would revel in the latest victory, or so we'd like to think.
The case is different however when man fights against fellow man,
    everything starts to burn.
    everything that held you together
                                      crumbles at your feet.
 You owe your life to all this and now it's threatening to end you.
Gather your men take the biggest and the brightest.
Carefully explain, whether we die here today or not,
    our Country as we know it will never be the same.
We headed out, 20, 30 men at our backs. willing to die,
    for something that no longer exists.
The enemy is fierce and cold yet quivers on the battle field.
You know her well, she is the only one you would bow to.
Perhaps if she looked this way you could manage a way,
                                    a way so she could know you never hated her less.
Knowing your struggle and your pain, the pain she said she'd help end.
Knowing you gave her everything you had,
               she never looked once.
Calm and collected you give the signal,
    the signal that will end everything you love.
    the signal that will curse the name of your Queen
                                                                and disrupt her hold on this world.


Tell me now, would you find hope and something beautiful in the end?

But before you answer imagine a life without the one thing you lived for.

"Once upon a time the last available move in the game was giving a person a tattoo on their face with a knife."

 

There was never any jealousy when I knew she was mine. People would go in and out of her life so swiftly I barely acknowledged their presence. Now with the sinking weight of her love disappearing I wonder if I want it back. It's a limbo type of love, never going anywhere just waiting with the slight hope that maybe just once we could, no forget it these hopes never got us anywhere. It was never a void trying to be filled it was never a shallow rebound it was just the childish urge to call something mine. Now the only move left is to push it all away and pull the troops back to polish our boots and poison our livers.

If we could make it out of here alive

I just want to know two things. Who is really in control and what really matters. Firmly planted I regret to say it, these shoes are growing roots and this land is so deserted. Can't lift my leg to get started. Stuck here forever, just tell me who do I listen to. This Seratonin level must be low Doctor, the jungle that resides within me is burning down. Give me something to focus this wild gaze upon. Something to bring the sun out. Something that brings me home. Something that really matters.

 I hate to look ahead I know how this story ends. If you adjusted your view you'd stop in your tracks too.

It's never been better, but then again it's never been worse.

I can count the number of things that have made me sad on one hand. Actual one of them didn't make me sad I just took notice to what had happened and I didn't like it too much. The other...the other was something that made me feel so many emotions I almost curled up into a ball and died. After that one passed the emotion drained out of me, it was hell I thought i'd never be normal again. Strange, I was normal for a few years now i'm back to my normal. It's odd to think people go around feeling that way constantly. Sure the emotions I felt for some time were the worst of the worst but still people must experience them a fair amount. Many would say that not feeling complex human emotions would make someone strong, it doesn't. I'm weak, on the fair occasion I feel any simple emotions I don't know how to handle them. I never had the chance to learn. That's all I want is someone to teach me, show me how to act and feel. She tried and that was like the blind leading the blind. To those of you who read this and didn't know most of this already, I apoligize for letting you know this. It is selfish of me to tell people i'm this way because i'm not the one who will hurt afterwards. And that is the only thing that makes me sad. In fact it tears me up inside, knowing I can never love you like you love me. That's not to say I don't, I do. I just don't feel in the same ways as you.

i love you as much as i can.