unwavering consistency

 As I lie down to rest my head I realize the person I've been fighting is the person that I am. There is no way around it; no scenic detour, no crafty lies, and most importantly no running. Soon the temperature will drop and I will once again be able to cover the burns without question. I thought I was done with this and the truth is I've hardly even begun. If I could say to you all the things my heart screams out in the middle of the night perhaps you'd see what a mess I really am and count your losses and walk away. Maybe not, maybe you'd stay with me and hold me till the sadness fades away. I sure hope so because for the first time I'll admit it, I can't do this on my own. I need you.

Lesson Learned

My leg shakes as the sweat drips down my back. I feel cold and uneasy, like a child waiting to be scorned. I glance over at the space between us. It's only a few feet I shouldn't even take notice, It's all I see. Her hand finds my thigh and continues to my back. I start to feel a familiar warmth creep over me as my leg begins to calm. I want her, all of her. The room gets quiet as my eyes meet hers, I just want to breath her in and soak in her warmth. It's only the start of a new beginning nothing to write home about but enough to stop me in my tracks. My mind starts to reel as I begin comparing and contrasting her love to those before. Thankfully she grabbed my face and kissed me hurling me back to reality before I got lost in my own insecurities. Since that night I have not once let thoughts of past mistakes creep into my head and create doubt about her.

 For the first time in a long time I am perfectly content. happy.

close your eyes and walk until you feel the water under your toes.

We sit in coffee shops talking about the future as if the past isn't eating away at us. The truth is we'd give anything to be children again. To be ignorant of the pain and disapointment that fills the air. So some of us fill our lives with pretty boys and shoes to soften the blow. We obsses over our empty selfish dreams and let the promises we've broken fade away just to creep back in the middle of the night. Tell me what you've seen, does it keeps you up at night? Because at the end of the night when you lay down you will tell yourself this is enough, your life is good and you're happy. I won't play those games anymore. All you do is concern yourself with the same things that are drowning your beautiful soul. I promise if you would just relax and listen to your heart not the people around you, you'd get so far.

It's Not A lot But It's Honest.

Every time I think of us I only regret that we let it go so far. My issues are not with you, they are only with how everything played out. I went through every detail in my head and the only solution I have is, we should have stopped it after we kissed.   So with acknowledging that, every time I get that close to someone I shut off completely.

Honestly?

I'm onto something here, something so great I'm willing to risk it all, even you.

rough draft

Hey, I just wanted you to know I miss you terribly.  
Hope to see you soon, I don't think I can take much more of this.
Look, i love you, I can't help it.
Fuck  I don't want to help it, I want you.
I want all of you. 
I want your dirty hippie hair draped across my chest.
I want to sit on the coast with you drinking wine watching the sun come up.
It's all i think about whenever I see you staring off into space.
We get each other isn't that enough? 
Maybe one day we could have a life together.
I never wanted you less and I've never thought about you more.

My eyes caught a glimpse of the Queen today

With all hope lost one would revel in the latest victory, or so we'd like to think.
The case is different however when man fights against fellow man,
    everything starts to burn.
    everything that held you together
                                      crumbles at your feet.
 You owe your life to all this and now it's threatening to end you.
Gather your men take the biggest and the brightest.
Carefully explain, whether we die here today or not,
    our Country as we know it will never be the same.
We headed out, 20, 30 men at our backs. willing to die,
    for something that no longer exists.
The enemy is fierce and cold yet quivers on the battle field.
You know her well, she is the only one you would bow to.
Perhaps if she looked this way you could manage a way,
                                    a way so she could know you never hated her less.
Knowing your struggle and your pain, the pain she said she'd help end.
Knowing you gave her everything you had,
               she never looked once.
Calm and collected you give the signal,
    the signal that will end everything you love.
    the signal that will curse the name of your Queen
                                                                and disrupt her hold on this world.


Tell me now, would you find hope and something beautiful in the end?

But before you answer imagine a life without the one thing you lived for.